rejecting the Reformation industrial complex

my Goldilocksian search for a black-tie dress

Let me preface this by saying… I didn’t think it would be this hard!¹ Yes, I had requirements, but I knew there were dresses out there that could satisfy them. I just didn’t think they would be so expensive—and that I would be searching the dregs of the (not even secondhand!) internet for anything remotely resembling my style.

So what was I actually looking for? A dress appropriate for a black-tie wedding, in Brooklyn, in April. The designers I’d had in mind (Simone Rocha, Cecilie Bahnsen, Kika Vargas, Molly Goddard) were far too expensive for me to buy new, but I figured surely I could find something from one of those labels secondhand. I wanted a dress with structure and bounce, something sheer and layered, something oversized and puffy, something textured and sculptural. A sweetheart or a square neckline. Ideally in a solid color—the dream was something red, but I would settle for most other colors. And maybe something in a natural fiber… a silk dupioni or a taffeta? Oh, and ideally under $250. Was that too much to ask? (Spoiler: Yes! It was!)

This was the vision board…

Rejina Pyo, Cecilie Bahnsen, Kika Vargas, Simone Rocha, Kamperett, The Vampire’s Wife, Simone Rocha, Molly Goddard

Below are the secondhand dresses that passed the initial vibes test. Unfortunately, all of them were also too expensive.

Kika Vargas (S, $570); The Vampire’s Wife (sold, $1417); The Vampire’s Wife (sold, $1375); Simone Rocha (UK 12, $615), Tory Burch (okay, this one wasn’t too expensive but it was already sold, and I’m still iffy on whether this much white would be okay for a wedding guest dress..), Molly Goddard (UK 10, $437), and Simone Rocha (UK 8, $996)

I moved on to Rent the Runway next, which felt like the most sustainable option. I made my way through the entire evening gown selection, then expanded the search to everything categorized as maxi and midi. I scrolled through every single available option… and still, nothing felt quite right. Everything was so slinky and clingy, and it all looked the same.

This feels like a representative sample of the Gowns section.

Not for the first time, I regretted not yet having dyed my wedding dress black, as I’ve planned to do for over two years now… it would be perfect for the occasion. (Can anyone recommend a reputable place that does this in New York? If I lived in LA I would absolutely go to Suay Sew Shop, but I don’t feel like mailing my dress there if I can find somewhere to drop it off in person.)

my wedding dress and the black version! obviously I would be wearing the slip underneath, and not a leotard…

So I returned to the RealReal, certain that I could find something that at least felt closer to my vision than the rented options, even if it wasn’t an exact match. I filtered for ‘Cocktail,’ ‘Evening,’ ‘Gowns,’ and ‘Maxi’, and set my price limit at $300. Here’s everything I considered, screenshotted, sent to friends, added to cart, but ultimately didn’t order either…

RIXO (4, $156); Sister Jane (S, $142); For Love and Lemons (S, $100); Rejina Pyo (UK 8, $93); Saloni (6, $212); RIXO (M, $140); Rosie Assoulin (4, $161); Les Reveries

My RealReal rejections, and why:

• RIXO velvet floral dress (4, $156): The velvet and puff sleeves combo felt a little too ‘piano recital’—I do still like it, but I was also afraid a size 4 would be too tight.

• Sister Jane pink puff-sleeve dress (S, $142): The color and silhouette felt too childish together, and I wasn’t sure it was fancy enough. Had it been full-length I might have gone for it.

• For Love and Lemons sheer lace dress (S, $100): idk, y’all, I love a sheer dress. But there’s no way I would only wear the attached bodysuit underneath, and I thought it would end up being too hard to add a slip without doing some cutting/re-sewing.

• Rejina Pyo pink mock-neck dress (UK 8, $93): I could see this one with thick winged eyeliner and a bouffant, but “moderate marking throughout” made me nervous.

• Saloni sheer dress (6, $212): Was a little too boring to consider at this price… I might have gone for it if it had been closer to $100.

• RIXO floral dress (M, $140): Just didn’t seem formal enough.

• Rosie Assoulin black witchy dress (4, $161): This felt a little too Halloween, but honestly I still love this dress.

• Les Reveries hot pink sheer dress (S, $147): I liked that it was silk, but didn’t particularly like the color or the shortness of the underskirt.

Out of desperation, I started looking at new clothing and quickly found myself ten pages deep in the black-tie event dresses section of Revolve. It was bleak, guys. Why does every new black-tie dress look like this?

I didn’t feel like labeling all of these… but if you really want to know, the ones with the yellow backdrop are Reformation, and the ones with the background removed are all from Revolve!

Objectively, there is nothing wrong with these dresses, and if I saw anyone wearing one of them, I’d probably think they looked great. But these are not dresses I would ever feel comfortable in. That thin, clingy satin gives me nightmares. I would have sweated through that pink number on the right before even leaving the house. And unless I am at the beach, no one is seeing that much of my leg in public.

But why don’t I like this style on myself? When people encounter me in my day to day life, they see my clothes, not my body. But the typical silhouette of a long formal dress—at least what’s overwhelmingly represented online—is form-fitting and tight. And I don’t want people to look at my body, I want them to look at my clothes.

I returned to the internet at large, this time using a chaotic jumble of keywords and Google Shopping. I must have tried every single combination of search terms possible: “silk taffeta maxi” “structured maxi dress” “formal tent dress” “silk dupioni dress” etc., etc. In a fugue state, I ordered this Sister Jane dress—not secondhand.

I didn’t even get a picture of it on. I spent about a day trying to convince myself it would be fine, but ultimately I knew it wasn’t for me. The material was really heavy, and the tie around the neck felt stifling. Back it went.

I made a brief detour to Etsy next, but most of the results for ‘silk taffeta’ felt too eighties prom.

I returned, without much hope, to the RealReal, and somehow found this dress after searching ‘silk’ and filtering for Dresses, <$200. Though it was final sale, I figured I would be able to return it unless the measurements online were all correct (a rarity on the RealReal!) There were two of them— one was listed as 100% cotton, while the other was 100% silk. I went for the less expensive one (which came with the slip underneath) and crossed my fingers that it would be silk.

The tracking info didn’t update for days, and as we got closer to the week of the wedding, I got nervous. It arrived the Tuesday before the wedding… sort of. Only the slip underneath was in the envelope! The sheer overlay was missing. And the slip was in fact neither silk nor cotton but polyester.

So I did one more pass through Rent the Runway and found a new offering that I didn’t hate, a floral print RIXO dress. It was available when my next order opened up, so I got it in two sizes. And it looks decent. I don’t love the bare back, but it’s comfortable, sweat-proof, and even looked okay when I tried it on in socks.

The rented Rixo dress on the model and my initial try-on… strangely it looks a lot longer on the model?

So why do weddings (and events in general) make me lose my mind like this? I think it’s a combination of feeling out of my comfort zone, wanting to make a good first impression, knowing I’m more likely to be photographed and not wanting to hate any pictures of myself… I’m not completely sure. On the plus side, this is going to make looking for a chic pantsuit for the next wedding seem easy! (Look out for a post on that in a few months…)

To make this arduous—at least in my experience—task slightly easier on the rest of you… here are some secondhand wedding guest dresses, all under $250. (Since most of the ones linked above were smalls and mediums, I kept these recs to size large and up.) Most are synthetic materials (though several, including the pink Selkie and the black Rosetta Getty, are silk!), but there is no clingy satin and not a leg slit to be found!

Selkie silk dress (XL, $225); Badgley Mischka mock neck dress (12; $234); MISA shimmery tank dress (XL, $104); Batsheva sheer polka dot dress (XL, $124); Marchesa Notte beaded dress (12, $153); RIXO silk floral dress (L, $189); Mac Duggal sequin dress (12, $93); Ivan Grundahl brown ruffle dress (DK 40, $185)

Parker Black sequined mini dress (XL, $132), 16ARLINGTON mock turtleneck dress (12, $230), Selkie sequined sheer dress (XL, $141); Selkie swiss dot puff sleeve dress (XXL, $171); House of Harlow 1960 polka dot dress (L, $108); Rosetta Getty silk off-shoulder dress (10, $195)

If you’re intrigued by any of the dresses in this post but uncertain about styling, I’ve taken it a step further and styled several of them with shoes, bags, and jewelry (all secondhand, too, of course).

Ivan Grundahl dress styled with Mondo Mondo necklace ($200, but I’d offer $150), Bruno Magli nylon evening bag ($44), and velvet Loeffler Randall slides (6.5, $93); Rejina Pyo dress styled with Roger Vivier cuff ($76), Rialto NY lucite clutch ($45), and white Maryam Nassir Zadeh pumps (IT 41, $105); Badgley Mischka dress styled with Whiting & Davis metal evening bag ($106) and Cecelia silver heels (8, $90); Selkie dress styled with silver Mondo Mondo necklace ($100), Coach wristlet ($44), and Brother Vellies heels (10, $120); Rosetta Getty dress styled with Eliou necklace ($85), Moschino embroidered bag ($105), and Reike Nen heels (IT 40, $120)

What do you wear to weddings? Do you have one particular outfit you fall back on? Share your wisdom with the rest of us (me)!

1. Yes, despite my history of struggling to find dresses to wear at previous weddings!